Tits or face?

So Sissons is retiring. Now could be a good time to air his finest moment.

Hat tip – IsThatcherDead @ Twitter

As you may already know, my quest for world domination is not going as planned. I’d expected to be Supreme Commander of Earth by now but, would you believe it, I’m not quite there yet.

To speed things up a bit, the science division has been sent the following blueprint for an all new, fascist-seeking, plutonium-powered laser gun that I shall use to free you all from tyranny (then totally not replace it with my own tyrannical regime, I fucking swear).

Click for full size

It should be completed by Friday. While you all wait, help fight the good fight by signing this.

…but I never tell a lie. For I am not a boaster, but a positive toaster.

Here’s the greatest video of anything ever and ever, Amen.

A bit of an epic post this week. I’ve managed to get through nearly two weeks of stuff here. It should keep you occupied until home time.

Failure to follow these highly sexual, hypertextual data tunnels will result in ignorance, impotence and a 69% reduction in excellence.

• Why this lot shouldn’t get a look in (From The Northern Echo):
  The Echo’s changed it’s tune since they took BNP cash for web ads.
• Dr Seth C. Kalichman – Combating AIDS denial:
  I know. People still deny that HIV causes AIDS. They indirectly kill hundreds of thousands of people. What a lark.
• Terror in the name of Jesus | Sara Paretsky | Comment is free | The Guardian:
  Sara Paretsky: Dr George Tiller’s murder underlines there is no common ground with anti-abortion zealots
• Rob Manuel » Blog Archive » Why I wish Douglas Adams had stopped smoking:
  Quitting tabs is the easiest thing to do but also the hardest. It’s easy because the physiological effects are negligible. It’s hard because it’s incredibly easy to go to the shop, buy 20 Benny Hedgehogs and feel normal again. I recommend nicotine gum and weed.
• Twilight Appreciation Station on Flickr – Photo Sharing!:
  Part 2. I don’t have the stomach to join 4chan but they really make me laugh.
• xkcd – A Webcomic – Troll Slayer:
  Part 1
• Abortion Doctor Shot to Death in Church | Unreasonable Faith:
  Pro-lifers murdering doctors. Sixteen years after the death of Bill Hicks, they still don’t get the irony. Why would? They’re idiots.
• LiveLeak.com – Webcam Window Fall:
  I don’t want to know what was going on here. I’m just glad it ended the way it did.
• ‘We’re launching a campaign against anti-Semitic Obama’ – Haaretz – Israel News:
  Obama had the bare-faced fucking cheek to state that maybe, possibly Israel isn’t completely in the right over treatment of Palestinians. Edith Ognall demonstrates why, frankly, the region will be fucked forever. “What right does anybody have to tell us to stop building in the land that was given to us by God? I’m not going to stand by and let Obama, or anybody else, tell me where I can live and where I can’t live.” I would ask what right does anyone have to claim that land was given to them by God but, you know, what’s the point?
• UKIP voters unable to unfold paper.:
  I know it’s Dale and I feel dirty for linking to him. I’m sorry but I think the story is worth linking to. Just read it the wash your eyes thoroughly.
• Why are they trying to gag a top British science writer? | Nick Cohen | Comment is free | The Observer:
  Nick Cohen: When chiropractors drag a top science writer into the libel courts, the country has lost its backbone
• Facebook forced to lift ban they’d imposed on breast cancer victim’s ’sexual and abusive’ mastectomy scar photos | Mail Online:
  Yet another reason to close your Facebook account (along with the recent purchase of shares by fat, litigious oil prick Alisher Usmanov). Be warned. There is a photo of a mastectomy which, while not as hideous as it sounds, is probably not safe for working environments.
• Comment Central – Times Online – WBLG: I get an email from David Irving:
  David Irving, proper historian that you should properly respect an’ everyfink bruv, lets the mask slip. What a cunt.
• Mr Blackett’s Shameless Whoring – Homicide: A Year On The Killing Streets:
  I’ve just completed this and, as you’d expect from the creator of he Wire, it’s excellent. You should buy it from my sexy Amazon store. You get a great book, I get free cash.
• Cassetteboy on MySpace Music – Free Streaming MP3s, Pictures & Music Videos:
  More Cassetteboy
• Who Ate All The Pies: Video: Cassetteboy – The Football Bit (it’s gay):
  Cassetteboy
• Whip It Out Comedy: 7 Famous People That Died During Sex:
  It’s not often that these lists get the number one right. This one does.
• Manga collector faces 15 years in jail because some of his comics included sexual images of children – Boing Boing:
  “He was a prolific collector,” says the lawyer. “He did not focus on this type of manga. He collected everything that was out there that he could get his hands on. I think this makes a huge difference.”
• ‘Animals can tell right from wrong’ by Richard Gray – telegraph.co.uk – RichardDawkins.net:
  “Scientists studying animal behaviour believe they have growing evidence that species ranging from mice to primates are governed by moral codes of conduct in the same way as humans.”
• Alastair Campbell’s mental rehabilitation – Chicken Yoghurt:
  When Secretary of State for War John Profumo left office in disgrace in 1963 he went to Toynbee Hall and cleaned the toilets. There used to be a time when (some) politicians and their servants accepted punishment and justice. Now they get fat cheques, book deals, and soft interviews about their mental health that don’t mention Iraq even once or the narcissistic drive for vindication that led ultimately to the death of David Kelly.
• Proud non-reader Kanye West turns author | Entertainment | Reuters:
  See this? An idol to millions of young people is using his platform to validate ignorance. Wonderful news. “His book is 52 pages — some blank, others with just a few words — and offers his optimistic philosophy on life. One two-page section reads, “Life is 5% what happens and 95% how you react!” Another page reads “I hate the word hate!”" What a complete fucking wanker.
• Boy chosen by Dalai Lama as reincarnation of spiritual leader turns back on Buddhist order | World news | The Guardian:
  Osel Hita Torres denounces monastic life and bemoans misery of youth deprived of television, football and girls
• 18 Delicious Rodents – How to Cook Rodents – Rodents as a Food Source:
  Sadly, it doesn’t include the little fucking rat that’s been bombing up and down the street on his bike screaming his lungs out. I’ll just improvise.
• Dear Margo: Religious Fanatics on the Lunatic Fringe | wowOwow:
  The response is priceless.
• The enemies of reason: Britain’s Got Talons:
  Apparently pointing and laughing at the disabled is a grown-up activity now.
• YouTube – QandA May 25th – response to question on Ryan Commission Report:
  “A question is asked about the Ryan Commission report on child abuse within institutions run by the religious orders in Ireland. After the panel had spoken the questioner responded and his response…well see for yourself.”
• The beat generation interprets Sun Ra:
  Free music
• Mr Trick & Wrongtom: Show #38 – special guest BILL BREWSTER | Mr Trick and Wrongtom:
  This week we were joined by journalist, author and djhistory.com founder Bill Brewster, who brought with him a fine selection of tracks by artists both known
• UK:RESISTANCE: MOMENTOUS SONY MOMENT:
• Outrage as Swaziland MP suggests branding the buttocks of HIV sufferers to promote safe sex | Mail Online:
  What worries me is the majority of Daily Mail comment monkeys think this is a great idea. The four descenting voices have been voted down.
• Free Lipitor, Viagra, 70 other drugs for jobless:
  The recession might be a little less painful for some Americans, who won’t lose their prescription medications if they lose their jobs. Pfizer Inc. said Thursday it will give away more than 70 of its most widely prescribed drugs, including Lipitor and Viagra, for up to a year to people who have lost jobs since Jan. 1 and have been taking the drug for three months or more.
• The new BNP poster | Pickled Politics:
  Click it for the full image. via Daily Bread
• Who was the first person to tell a US President to legalize & why did Youtube disable the audio of my PTV Obama show? | Cannabis Culture Magazine:
  If you need any further explanation of his voice then you’re a dull boy.
• The Herring Horde – rathergood.com:
  This is The Herring Horde. It is a truly epic, stirring masterpiece. Cower in terror asuk/RatherGood/PrintShop/Designer.html?customdesign=1219 we relate in majestic orchestral splendour the attempt by the Herring Horde to subjugate the land unto their will!
• Musicians demand BNP stop selling their songs | Politics | guardian.co.uk:
  Blur and Pink Floyd among artists objecting to songs being on compilation CDs sold to fund party

I’ve intimidated people twice today.

1) At the supermarket checkout someone behind me was having an argument on the phone with his girlfriend. To be fair to him, he was so angry that he’d forgotten where he was and couldn’t gauge how loud his voice was.

“I don’t have fuck all to do with that fucking photo! I’m fucking tellin’ yer! Shut up, you daft cunt! I don’t know fuck all about that fucking photo. I’m fucking tellin’ yer.”

He had a young boy with him. Whether this lad was his son or not, it’s generally accepted that you don’t swear like, well, me in front of kids that age.

So I stared at him…and stared…and stared…until eventually I got his attention. When he finally met my gaze I looked at the boy then back at him. He realised where he was and what he was doing.

“Err, I’m at the checkout at the supermarket. I’ll talk about this later. Sorry everyone.”

Win!

2) *BANG* *BANG* *BANG* *BANG* *BANG* *BANG*

My robotic chair is right next to the front door so that’s the sound my door makes when anyone so much as touches it. When someone knocks at my door, it’s pretty much a given that you’ll startle the shit out of me. About an hour ago, someone knocked at the door.

“Hello mate!”

“Erm, hi?”

“Oh no! Have you just got home from work?”

“What?”

“You look like you’ve…”

“What do you want?”

“Oh…erm…I’m from the Red Cross and…”

“I can see that. You’re wearing a bright yellow jacket with the Red Cross logo on the chest.”

“Have I come at a bad time?”

“Yup”

“Okay then. I’ll leave you alone.”

Win!