Tits or face?

Some folks out there have expressed concern over potential rules and regulations that may be imposed on them once I’ve taken my rightful place as Supreme Overlord of the Earth and Moon. To allay any fears, I’ve decided to publish my manifesto…not that I really need to. You cunts will do as you’re fucking well told.

Crime and Punishment

• All legal disputes will be solved with games of Street Fighter 2 on the SNES. If you wish to appeal a decision you must complete Super Mario 64 (all stars) before you can challenge your opponent to SF2 match again. If you’re still dissatisfied with the outcome then you’ll have to challenge me to a ‘who can get the furthest on a single life’ match on Super Monkey Ball 2. I wouldn’t bother, like. I’m a Super Monkey Ball ninja
• The only drugs that are illegal are Jim Davidson’s heart medication. Only Jim Davidson’s heart medication, mind. If anyone else is on those drugs, they can have them.
• All punishment will be ironic. For example, if you’re a rapist, you have to share a cell with one of the genetically engineered ‘Giga Rapists’ my science division is currently working on.

Language

• The official language of Earth is farting really loud in an old people’s home.
• The word ‘like’ can only be used once a sentence.
• All catchphrases will be banned once I’m sick of hearing them.
• Text speak is banned. The maximum number of characters for SMS messages will be increased to a thousand thus enabling people to write the fucking things properly.
• The following words must be used at least once a day by all humans (and parrots)
1. Flaps.
2. Rapemobile
3. Prolapse
4. Bootilicious
5. Fist
6. Breasticles
7. Splendiferous
8. Minge

Health Service

• Teenagers will not be put in hospital wards full of dying pensioners. I have my reasons for that which I won’t bore you with.
• Doctors are legally obliged to do whatever they can to save a child’s life, regardless of the religious beliefs of the family. If, after the life-saving treatment, the family wants to put a shotgun in the kid’s mouth, then that’s up to them.
• Practioners of alternative therapy are not allowed to call themselves ‘Dr’. If they wish to give themselves an official title then they can have ‘Quack’.
• Dentists aren’t allowed to drink coffee. It’s bad enough that they’re poking about in someone’s face, having breath worse than the patient’s is just taking the piss.
• Staff at GP receptions are obliged to smile once in a fucking while.

Media and TV

• Those that complain that they can’t get into The Wire having only watched one episode will be forced to watch the final series of Prison Break, including the two-hour special, on a loop for 30 days.
• Big Brother contestants will be given weapons instead of food.
• Jamie Redknapp will be forced to wear an explosive collar that will detonate should he ever talk about football.
• Twists are not adequate replacements for plot. Plot twists are limited to one per series. Lost, I’m looking at you.
• Jeremy Paxman is officially allowed to call polititians ‘lying cunts’ on Newsnight. In fact, if he fails to do this, he has to give Gavin Estler £20.
• All newspapers will be forced to prominently display what percentage of their content is reportage and what percentage is biased, hysterical, fear-mongering bullshit.
• The Daily Mail and it’s readers can all fuck off.

Music and the arts

• Any musician whose career began on a Simon Cowell vehicle is banned from making music forever. Worst offenders (see: Jedward) will be used for re-enactments of the execution of Robert-François Damiens, taking place every Saturday in a private warehouse watched only by me and invited guests.
• No-one is allowed to release an album without listening to the entire works of Lee ‘Scratch’ Perry and acknowledging his genius
• Tracey Emin and Damien Hurst can carry on producing art so long as they keep their fucking mouths shut.
• Graffiti is no longer vandalism. If you don’t want kids tagging your car, buy a lion and tie it to the exhaust.

This document will be modified at my whim. Suggestions for amendments can be added to the comments section to be considered and ignored.