Friend Cull

(This is targeted at anyone following the link I posted in my Facebook status. If you’re just visiting the site in the hope that I’ve bothered to post anything then just look at this instead.)

About three weeks ago I decided to reopen my Facebook account. I prefer Twitter but hardly any of my Facebook (read: real) friends use it and I felt I was losing touch with them. It was a decision I struggled with and, in the end, left the decision to a ‘whoever replies first decides’ tweet.

I’d forgotten just how fucking awful it is. Maybe it’s just that I cavort with imbeciles, I dunno, but every day I check my page and every day I suppress the urge to destroy all sentient life within a five mile radius.

So I’m having a friend cull. I won’t literally be culling Facebook ‘friends’ – even though that would be fucking hilarious – but I will be clicking a few ‘Remove connection’ buttons if you belong to one of the following groups and/or commit one of the following crimes over the next week.

• Status updates telling me what you’re eating, about to eat, want to eat or had a dream about eating. You need food to live. I expect that you will be tucking a fair amount away during the course of your day, some of you more than others. It doesn’t enrich anyone’s life to know exactly what you’re shoving into your face at any time.
• Status updates telling me how bored you are. Boredom isn’t a disease and I don’t sympathise with you because you’re bored. I’ll sympathise if you’re bored of having AIDS or bored of living in Stockton but not because you’re bored of your own pitiful life. Do a puzzle. Read a book. Get a better job. Have a wank. I don’t fucking care. Do something other than whine about your failure to find something to do.
• I only added you out of politeness. I’ve reached a point in my life where I simply don’t care about everybody’s precious fucking feelings. If I don’t really know you that well and you don’t add anything worthwhile to my Facebook experience, you’re dumped. I will not massage your fragile ego by contributing to the lie that you’ve got more friends than you really do.
• You’ve joined a group I disagree with. Think the BNP have some good ideas? Fuck off. Think all paedophiles should be burned on a fire? Fuck off. Think the LHC is going to bring about the end of the world? Fuck off. Think homeopathy is a viable alternative to actual fucking medicine? Fuck off. I could argue the point with you but why bother? You’re a cunt.
• Going Emo. You might think it’s a Byronesque poem to your beloved. It isn’t. It’s fucking embarrassing and I don’t want to know you any more.
• Ugly people bitching about the physical appearance of beautiful people. “OMG, av u seen [insert generic but attractive celebrity]‘s arse!??!!1 What a fat bitch.!!!!!!!!LOL!!!”. Maybe they have put a bit of weight on but at least they don’t look like they’ve used their own face to test out their new belt sander or adopted the all-birthday cake diet.
• Profile pictures taken from above. I’ve never photographed well. Perhaps it’s a tradeoff for being a tall, dark and handsome hunk o’sex. Knowing I’m beautiful means I don’t really mind looking like a gimp on camera. I certainly wouldn’t take all my profile pictures from above to hide the weird shape of my skull, the weeping patch of rotting skin or the double chins. It’s dishonest and irritates me so much that I’m quite happy to cut you out of my life for doing it.
• Repeated posting of music videos. Yeah, you like music, I get it, but your taste is shite. X-Factor is not an adequate replacement for a serious crate-digging mentality. Susan Boyle is the star of a carefully choreographed Cowell-skit that went viral, not an exceptional singer. I don’t need you to add to the bombardment of bad music that I already get.

I think that’ll do for now. If I think of anything else I’ll add it. You have one week to comply to these simple demands.

(Update – Added Profile pictures taken from above…nnngh, it really gets on my moobs.)
(Update 2 – Repeated posting of music videos. Hat-tip: 5olly)