Scientists around the world have called an emergency conference tomorrow following the shocking discovery that the centre of the Universe not only exists but is right here on Earth.
The incredible discovery was made last night during the UEFA Champion’s League football match between Chelsea and Barcelona by Dr Geoff Scroggins, Chief Physicist at Redcar University. He was able to prove that the centre of the Universe is, in fact, Didier Drogba’s massive ego.
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“It’s a deeply worrying development. I, like everyone else, thought that Drogba moved through space/time. In fact it turns out that space/time moves around him. In other words, he does not walk to the shop. The shop walks to him.” Dr Scroggins said this morning.
The conference, which begins tomorrow at midday, will bring together the world’s finest minds to discuss how something that’s ostensibly metaphysical could be the centre of everything.
“I believe that his ego just became so gargantuan that it developed it’s own gravitational pull. Over the last 31 years, slowly but surely, all matter in the Universe has begun to revolve around it. What we need to establish is whether, if allowed to grow further, it could be the catalyst for the Big Crunch. Also what happens when the Ivory Coast striker dies? It’s proper mental, like.”
Earlier today, when our reporter reached him for comment, Drogba stated “How didn’t you already know this? It’s a disgrace. A disgrace. A fucking disgrace.” before dropping to the floor in a heap, rolling about as if his legs had been sheared off then getting up again.
