El Grand Clasico liveblog

I’ve been watching Spanish football since 2003. I’m not too proud to admit that I was originally just rubbernecking to see whether Beckham would fuck up after leaving Man United. What’s kept me watching is a league that, while not as quick as English football, is about three times more mental. When was the last time a Premiership game had four red cards? That happens pretty much every week in Spain. This relative lack of pragmatism (Italy, I’m looking at you) combined with a much higher technical standard makes for a game I think is more interesting than a lot of Premier League games.

Tonight is Real Madrid v Barcelona. The team of Franco v the team of Catalonia. A hundred-plus years of hate unleashed over 90 minutes. There’s nothing like it in England. When Sol Campbell went from Spurs to Arsenal, Spurs fans sang nasty songs at him and held up a sign calling him ‘Judas’. When Luis Figo went from Barcelona to Real Madrid, someone threw a pig’s head at him. A fucking pig’s head! There are few rivalries in the world with this much water under the bridge. None of them are between two of the biggest teams in the world

This one is made extra special by the amount that’s riding on it. Four points separate the teams. Barcelona more or less ran away with it over the first two-thirds of the season, at one stage leading by 12 points. Since Bernt Schuster practically pleaded to be sacked and was replaced by Spurs’ favourite Juande Ramos, Madrid have won all but two games. The football they’ve been playing has been miserable, but they still manage to win. Barcelona, on the other hand play the best football in Europe. Messi, Eto’o and Henry have something like 90 goals between them. Not only that but they have Xavi, Iniesta and Yaya Toure, three midfielders that can have me anytime they want. But this brand of attacking football has, on occasion, caught them out. They have lost games meaning slowly Madrid have caught up with them.

If Madrid win, they close the gap to a point and damage the allegedly fragile morale of Barcelona. If they lose, their season is effectively over.

So, I’m liveblogging it. Kick off will be about 7 o’clock. Refresh to get the latest updates.

Kick-Off: I can’t believe Puyol and Raul hugged at the toss. They should be stabbing each other.

30 seconds: Messi lays off to Xavi who clouts it into Casillas’ hands. Quiet start then *cough*

3 min: Heinze is marking Messi. Looks like Real’s tactics will be to kick fuck out of him again.

5 min: The cameraman has a crush on a young blonde girl in the crowd. The director cuts to a middle-aged man so he doesn’t make his employee look like a stalker.

10 min: The commentators are complaining about the noise. They can’t hear the whistle.

13 min: Goal (Higuain) 1-0  Ramos mugs Abidal and lifts a cross in. Higuain is in acres and nods it in. Comedy defending.

15 min: Henry mugs Ramos and wanders into the penalty box. He fires across goal and Eto’o misses by inches. This is ace.

16 min: Goal (Henry) 1-1 Xavi lifts a throughball towards the edge of the penalty box and Henry scores one of his classic ‘show the body and pass it past the keeper’-goals.

19 min: Madrid don’t know what to do with Henry. Four times he’s been through on…Goal. Henry was taken out by Cannavaro having broken past Ramos again. Xavi lifts the freekick into the six-yard box and Puyol heads it in (1-2). While typing this, Robben was through on goal (shot bounced off Valdes) and Alves just nearly scored an own-goal when a sharp cross bounced off him. Oh, now Abidal has ben booked for a stray elbow on Robben.

23 min: Fucking hell, this is amazing. Alves puts a ball through for Messi and Ramos clouts him (yellow). Messi smacks it into Casillas. Looks like he’s swapped sides so Henize can’t kick his head in.

26 min: Xavi plays Eto’o in. Heinze is having a wank or something. Eto’o smashes a fairly vicious ball at goal and Casillas pulls off an amazing save. It’s hard to keep up. By the time I finish a sentence something amazing happens. Like that! Messi puts Iniesta through on goal, he squares it back to Messi and Casillas just manages to save it. If it wasn’t for Casillas, Madrid would be fucked by now.

31 min: Henry looks hurt and Keita is warming up. Xavi just put Messi through. He mis-controlled the ball and went wide. From something like a 10 degree angle he tried to lob the keeper. It nearly comes off. He’s a cheeky little cunt.

35 min: Goal! (Messi) 1-3 What a fuckup. Diarra get’s caught in possession by Xavi. He puts it through to Messi who has no-one near him. Slots it past Casillas. Real Madrid are fucked. Henry looks like he’s playing on.

38 min: Puyol gets a yellow card for hoofing Sergio Ramos into the air. Robben punts the freekick into the penalty box and Puyol clears

43 min: Both teams are just passing it round midfield. This game is fucking shit.

44 min: Messi gets taken out by Marcelo and gets a yellow. Alves smacks it through a fairly cowardly wall but Casillas saves it.

Half-time: Fuck me that was awesome. Barcelona are by far the better team but Madrid have created chances so it would daft to write them off. That said, unless the whole team falls ill with Pig Aids, I can’t see Barcelona throwing it away.

Image pinched from Blurred Clarity

Watching the adverts. Am I the only one that thinks Ben Affleck looks like he hasn’t got a soul?

Apparently a pale man is having a fight tonight. A bargain at FIFTEEN FUCKING QUID!

Second-half: What the fuck are Real going to do? Pass it round the back four by the looks of things.

2 min: Gerry Armstrong reckons Cannavaro has said he has interest from Man City. Ha! If true, City fans really have to question the ambition of their new owners.

5 min: Robben dives on the edge of the penalty. Ref gives nothing. If it’s not a penalty then it’s simulation. Where’s the yellow card?

8 min: Messi mugs the Real defense but there’s no-one in the box so he just smashes it. It goes out for a throw.

10 min: Twice the referee has got in the way and caused possession to switch from Barca to Real. Messi pushes the ref but doesn’t get booked. He had it coming and he knows it.

11 min: Goal! (Ramos) 2-3. Ramos, unmarked, gets on the end of a Robben free-kick. Comedy defending again.

12 min: Goal! (Henry) 2-4. Great through-ball from Xavi (I think). Casillas comes out but Henry gets there first and lobs him from about thirty yards out. This game is mental. Marcelo off for Huntelaar.

15 min: Henry is going off for Keita. He’s taking his time. He doesn’t want to go out in the streets of Madrid tonight…unless, of course, he wants someone to feed him his own heart.

20 min: Barca have 61% possession. Real are punting it up to Huntellaar.

21 min: The commentator just said “Real are getting a roasting”. It brought to mind a cameraphone video featuring Sunderland players and an accommodating young lady.

24 min: I can’t get Liam Laurence wanking over a girl’s back out of my head. The game has died down.

26 min: Sergio Ramos for Van Der Vaart. Defender for an attacker. They have to get the ball first. Get out of my head, Liam!

28 min: Iniesta should have taken a shot but fannied about in the box. Diarra fouls him but the ref doesn’t give a penalty. Van Der Vaart kicks Alves’ standing leg. Yellow card. He hasn’t even touched the ball yet.

29 min: Goal! (Messi) 2-5. Messi passes to Xavi who spins to hold off Gago and Cannavaro. He slides the ball through for Messi who clouts it into the near post. He is the best player in the world. Anyone that argues can kiss my arse.

33 min: Robben for Garcia. Madrid fans are going home.

37 min: Goal (Pique!?) 2-6. Eto’o crosses from the right. Pique punts it straight into Casillas but the deflection lands back in front of Pique. With his back to goal, he swivels and smashes it in. The crowd are leaving as if someone has let off the biggest fart ever.

40 min: Toure for Busquets and Bojan for Iniesta. There was a yellow card somewhere but I’ve lost track of things.

42 min: The lack of a red card is disappointing.

45 min: Eto’o really wants a goal. If they weren’t 6-2 up, you’d say he was being selfish.

Final whistle: All over. No injury time.

That was as good a game as I’ve seen all season but as a Clasico, it was a bit lacking. After the fourth went in, Madrid gave up. Where were the red cards or mass brawls?

And why the fuck did I decide to do a liveblog forty minutes before kick-off? I missed half the game for typing this piece of shit. What’s the point? Pig Aids picture aside, it’s not that funny.